You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
