i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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