just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
