I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
