Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
