And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
