omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
