We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
