WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
