he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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