worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
