I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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