she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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