I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
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So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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