Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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