Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
