how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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