Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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