I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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