just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
