drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
