Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
