I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
