Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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