careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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