well I can't set my house on fire every night
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
