very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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