Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
