you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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