Jerry, you need to find god
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
