some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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