So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
