I'm so fucking centered right now
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
