Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
