I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
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