I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
