Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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