Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
