So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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