Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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