Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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