I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
