Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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