I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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