We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
All the doctor said was why
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
