my mouth tastes like poor choices
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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