ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
