I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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