I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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