hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You made out with two different species that night
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
