I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
