i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
