I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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