onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
