this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I did not marry a roomba.
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