You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
