I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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