Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
