Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
